Pregnancy Testing 101

4 Oct

While working at Planned Parenthood I perfomed tons of pregnancy tests.  During my training I learned some tips and the most important question to ask.  First thing first and I think the MOST IMPORTANT is purchase your test from the dollar store.  You read me right.  Go buy your test from the f**king dollar store.  All tests are the same.  The tests that “claim” to detect your pregnancy early are MARKETING GIMMICKS.  Be smarter than that.  The most important question to ask before perfoming a test is:

Has it been 2 full weeks since the day you could have gotten pregnant?

  • If it hasn’t then don’t waste your time and your money.  It takes 2 full weeks for a pregnancy to show up on a urine test.
  • I don’t care when your last period was or if you haven’t gotten one for months.  If you’ve taken a preg test and it came back negative and it’s been 3 months since your last period you aren’t pregnant!  Something else is going on and you should definitely make a doctor’s appointment.
  • If you are having unprotected sex all the time and have no idea when you could have gotten pregnant JUST STOP NOW!  You can either abstain for 2 full weeks (some people are horrified by just the suggestion of this) or you can use condoms for 2 full weeks and then take a test.  And STOP BEING A FOOL!  Unless of course you are trying to get pregnant.  I sometimes forget that there are people who want to be pregnant.
  • Make sure to set a timer for the amount of time the test is suppose to run for and to read the test as soon as the timer goes off.  Timing is crucial.  If you read a test 5 minutes after when you should have you could get a false positive.  And then you’re calling Planned Parenthood to schedule your abortion appointment.  One of the 1st things that is done when you arrive for your appointment-after filling out all the f**king paperwork, which someone then has to put in the computer, and then make a patient chart-is take a pregnancy test.  Let me just say that when this test comes back negative you are now the staff’s least favorite person.

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