Tag Archives: feminist humor

Winter Weight

8 Feb

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Or the time of year I turn into a fattie.  Does this happen to others?  It has to.  It happens to me every year and I always freak out.  I know it’s gonna happen, I should be expecting it, preparing myself for it, but instead it somehow evades my mind.  When I do start to realize something is going on-my thighs are starting to look wider?-it’s already too late, the fattening phase has begun.  I know I’m crazy, this is all crazy, but this is what I think and thankfully it’s a phase.  People may ask how I can call myself a feminist and a fattie.  I’m not being serious when I use the term fattie-I know I’m being ridiculous and it’s a ridiculous made up word.

I gain about 5 pounds every winter.  I know I need this weight for the winter, it’s a survival mechanism I need to stay warm.  This is how I logically justify the weight gain and it’s the truth.  And I’m prepared for it.  Which is kinda also the reason why I don’t realize it until it has happened.  It’s because all my clothes still fit.  Most of my clothes are stretchy or a little loose on me.  Some things look better after the weight gain, they are more filled out.  Still I always have a hard time with it in the beginning of the phase.

I don’t own a scale.  I don’t think its healthy to own a scale.  At Planned Parenthood there are scales in all the patient rooms.  You can weigh yourself every day.  I started using the scales and I told my friend at work that I felt like I was developing a problem.  I’ll reserve the scale for when I go to the doctor.

This year though I gained ten pounds!  I know, omg!!!  Ok, it’s really not that serious because in reality I weight the same right now that I did exactly a year ago.  I’ll explain.  So, this summer I rode my bike a lot.  Everywhere. Even to far away places like Uptown and Skokie.  All that bike riding resulted in a little weight loss.  And the funny thing is I didn’t even notice I had lost weight.  It wasn’t a big issue to me like gaining weight.

I don’t think the freak out is about me thinking I’m becoming a “fattie”.  The freak out is because there is a change happening.  A change in what I’m accustomed to.  And it’s happening to me, directly affecting me.  I don’t fight the weight gain though because like I wrote above it’s what my body does naturally to prepare me.  It’s instincts and we all now we shouldn’t go against our instincts.  That’s what leads to misery.

And the funny thing is right before the weight gain I was wondering if I was too skinny.

Am I the only one who thinks in this crazy way?

Dear Cosmo Magazine,

10 Dec

What would I do without you?!  You are a true lifesaver!  What would my life be like if you didn’t tell me every month what I must do to keep my man happy, how to wear my make up & clothes, and how to be skinny?  I absolutely love your beauty tutorials.  I tape my favorite looks to my mirror so I can easily copy them.  I then go to the mall and buy all the products required to copy that look.  $200 later and Hello Gorgeous.  While I’m at the mall I of course have to get new clothes.  $200 on make up is nothing!  I just bought a pair of jeans for $200 and then a pair of heels for $600.  I think I just spent a whole paycheck in one afternoon, but what better way to spend my time and money than shopping?!?!  I’m going to look so fucking hot!  Your diet and exercise tips are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  I would be lost without them.  I get up 2 hours early so I can do my exercises, eat my breakfast of an egg white omelet & piece of fruit, and then of course do my hair & make up.  Your dating advice is phenomenal.  During my day at work I always remember to send my boyfriend sexy text messages.  All I can think about is how I’m going to blow his mind later in bed.  Of course I know how to make sure I get mine too, but it’s ok if I don’t.  Making him happy makes me happy.  Also, thanks for the Need to Know Crime Story every month.  It’s great to be reminded that I need to watch out for myself so I’m not raped, kidnapped or killed.  Your advice is so empowering.  At the end of the day I’m exhausted and broke, but soooo happy.

               Thanks again Cosmo!  Love ya! Bye!

P.S. I know it may be blasphemy, but Cosmo You Are My Bible!

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